Tente Não Rir: O Melhor do Humor e Piadas em Vídeos Engraçados. Coletânea #11.
Only joy, insider jokes, infectious humor. Laughing with you from night to day. Laughing. Laughing. A traveler was lost in the middle of the Carratinga, under a sun of at least 45°C in the Northeastern backlands. He then spotted a little house and, dying of thirst as he was, immediately thought that little house would be his salvation. Upon reaching the little house, he clapped his hands and said, “The one from home!” Soon a typical little boy from the region appeared, pot-bellied, snotty, and calmly wiping his nose with his finger. He then asked the man, “How can I help you, sir?” “Boy, is your mother home?” “No, sir. Who’s with you? Are you alone? Yes, I am, sir. But what do you want? I’m very thirsty. Could you get me some water? Yes, sir. But do you have pineapple juice? Don’t you want any? No. Well, if you have pineapple juice, I do, sir. The boy goes into the house and comes back with a gourd full of pineapple juice, and the man drinks it all. Thank you very much. This juice is very good. Is there any more in there? Would you like more? Yes, I do. It’s so good I’m going to have some more. Once again, the boy goes into his house and brings a gourd full of pineapple juice to the man, who drinks it all. The boy asks again, “Is there any more? Would you like some?” The man then replies, “Want some? I do, but won’t your mother complain when she gets home?” She won’t, sir. There was a dead rat in the juice jug, and she told me to throw it away. The man becomes furious and yells, “You brat, I’m going to break this gourd over your head.” The boy yells, “For God’s sake, sir, don’t break it. That’s your mother’s gourd.” In a classroom, the history teacher gives the class a homework assignment. Everyone, tomorrow you should all bring a famous quote with the name of the author, date, and place where it was said. Joãozinho immediately thought of the two sentences he was going to say. He was the last student in the class and would be the last to speak, as he sat at the back of the classroom. He thought of the sentences: “Don’t leave me alone,” said by FC Melo, Palácio do Planalto, 1992, and “Independência ou Morte,” said by Dom Pedro I, 1822, on the banks of the Ipiranga River. The next day, during class, the first student in the class had already said something like Joãozinho’s: “Don’t leave me alone.” Joãozinho was furious and eagerly awaiting his second sentence, when a little Japanese boy, who was the second-to-last student in the class and was in front of him, stood up and said, “Independence or death?” Joãozinho got up from his desk and shouted, “You naughty Japanese.” The astonished teacher said, “What’s this, Joãozinho? Private Johnson, teacher, Pearl Harbor, 1941.” An old lady was sitting on the bus seat with a package beside her. As time passed, the bus became increasingly crowded, until the last available seat was the one next to the old lady. At the next stop, another passenger got on, a very handsome young man who, seeing the only empty seat, went straight to it and prepared to sit. Just then, the old lady said, “Watch out for the eggs, my son. Watch out for the eggs.” The young man noticed the package on the seat and apologized to the old lady, saying, “Excuse me, I didn’t see your package of eggs on the seat.” The old lady then said, “They’re not eggs, my son. It’s a bag of nails.” [Laughter] A car carrying an old lady stopped at a traffic light, and then a beggar came along, thinking he was going to get some change from the old lady. “Ma’am, can I have some money so I can buy some bread?” The old lady looked at the beggar’s face and said, “No, it’s already 7:30 p.m., and you won’t have dinner afterward.” The mother of a monster had grounded her son. She then says: “Junior, stop spinning around your foot. Junior, stop spinning around your foot. Junior, stop spinning around your foot. Junior, stop spinning around your foot. I already told you. Junior, if you don’t stop spinning around your foot, I swear I’ll nail the other one too. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet, go ahead and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some handsome robot. A very old man With advanced and early-onset Alzheimer’s, he dies in the hospital. He goes to heaven. When he gets there, he had to give his name so the guardian angel could look up his life on Earth on the computers. His entry through the gates of heaven depended on this information, but unfortunately, the poor old man couldn’t remember anything. The guardian angel, new to the position, didn’t know what to do and called his superior, Jesus Christ. The angel then said: “Sir, this man doesn’t remember anything.” “Leave it to me,” said Jesus, pulling the old man into a private conversation. “Let’s take it one step at a time. Where were you born?” “I don’t know, I don’t remember. Don’t you remember if you had a job or a career?” Yes, I remember. I think I was a carpenter. A carpenter? Great. We’re making progress. And family, do you remember your wife and children? No, I don’t remember my wife, but I remember that my son— I don’t remember exactly why—wasn’t my son; he was different. Jesus gets emotional and shouts with a smile on his face. “Daddy!” The old man then shouts back. “Pinocchio, is that you? See how things are. I have a terrible conscience problem. Imagine that a customer who lives near here came to the store to shop and paid me with a hundred-dollar bill. After she left, I realized she had given me two hundred-dollar bills, one stuck together. Now I’m in a real dilemma. Should I tell my partner or not? On December 24, 2025, Pedro goes to several hospitals asking, “Is there room for a woman?” “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.” Gosh, I’ve been to several hospitals. My wife is going to give birth any day now. Sir, your wife’s situation has nothing to do with me. Already losing hope, Pedro turns and says very quietly. It has nothing to do with me either. The doctor tells the patient, “You don’t need to worry. I had the same disease before and was cured.” The patient then says to the doctor, “But, doctor, it turns out your doctor was a different one. A politician sued someone because they called him a pig. The judge sentenced him to pay a fine, and the guy asked the judge, “So, does that mean I can’t call a politician a pig anymore?” Exactly, sir. But if I want to call a pig a politician, is that okay? Obviously not. The guy turns to the politician and says, “See you later, Mr. Politician.” And leaves. The skydiving instructor says at the airplane door, “After you jump, count to 10 and pull the parachute cord to open it, okay?” The students jump, but one of them starts to fall precipitously. One of the classmates says to the other, “Oh, there goes the little stutterer.” An ice cream vendor passes by on the street, speaking very quietly. Look, the ice cream has cream, chocolate, strawberry, tutti frutti. A resident goes up to him and asks, “Do you happen to have laryngitis?” No, ma’am. I have cream, chocolate, strawberry, and tutti-frutti.” A woman left her house without underwear and was walking past a bar full of men drinking. She had the misfortune of tripping on a rock and fell to the ground like a pile of shit. With great agility, she got up in the same instant and was already standing, with a somewhat awkward smile, saying, “Did you see my speed?” One of the men inside the bar shouted, “Yes, we did, but I knew it by another name.” Two guys were smoking a joint by the river and talking about highly intellectual subjects. Man, that was a real buzz. Only mine. You can believe it. Time passed in that crazy conversation, until an alligator came and ate one of the guys’ legs. Man, that was a buzz. The alligator ate my leg. Look at that, man. That was a buzz. What’s up? I don’t know, man. Alligators are the same . A customer walks into a local shop and asks, “Mr. Salim, do you have any pantyhose for sale?” Pantyhose? Broquet? Do you only have half a butt? When you take a bus in another country, you’ll soon see a sign that says, “No talking to the driver.” Depending on the country, the sign says, “Vatican, it’s a sin to talk to the driver.” Israel, What do you gain by talking to the driver? Italy. If you talk to the driver, which hand will he drive with? Germany. Don’t talk to the driver, not on the bus, not at his house, or anywhere else. Former Soviet Union. Be careful what you say to the driver. United States, keep your mouth shut. Brazil, don’t let the driver talk to you. Japan. Talk to a driver only by appointment. One guy asks another: “Do you know the name of a country where one of the syllables can be eaten?” Yes, I do. It would be Cuba. The other says: “Wow, I thought of Japan.” A baby mosquito comes to its mother and says: “Mom, can I go to the theater with my girlfriend?” The mother mosquito then says: “Yes, you can go, my son, but watch your clapping, okay?” A crazy man was having a barbecue on a farm, watching ducklings swimming in a river. And when the ducks came out and went to the grass, he said to his friends: “Look, ducks, besides being aquatic, are also grammatical.” The patient walks into the company’s outpatient clinic and says, “Doctor, can you give me an anti-British shot?” The doctor smiles and says, “You mean anti-tetanus, right?” “No, it’s anti-British. I just hurt myself with the wrench. Dad, the teacher said I looked just like you. Is that so, son? And what did you tell him?” “Nothing. He’s much bigger than me. Do you know what the pastry chef said to Paul McCartney? The dream is over.” Jacqueline Onces was in Greece when she received a phone call from her mother in the United States. Hi, Mom. I miss you so much. How are you? I’m fine, dear, but I want to hear from you. How are things over there? Yeah, Mom. Right now I’m in bed with arthritis. But, dear, another Greek. A drunk man walks into the bar and approaches a table where two identical young men were sitting. Am I reading too much? Absolutely not, sir. We’re twins. The drunk man then retorts. “But the four instructions for flying a plane. One: where it says push, don’t pull, push. Two: where it says pull, don’t jump, push. Three: where it says exit, don’t hesitate, jump.” The collector just inspected a two-year-old Rolls-Royce with only 500 miles on the clock. Ms. Silvia, are you sure you want to sell this one? Rolls-Royce for $? Yes, absolutely. Listen, I’m not a model of honesty, but you should know that this beautiful machine is worth over $0,000. I don’t want to be known as a widow exploiter. I have no choice, said Mrs. Silvia, showing her her husband’s will. Read it here . Paragraph eight. Sell my Rolls-Royce and give all the proceeds to my secretary. God created the world in seven days, and in that creation he included man. And with that, on the seventh day he rested. But because man was feeling very lonely, he created woman. From then on, no one could rest. On a train, a Filipino and an American Jew were traveling in the same compartment. At some point, the Jew comes forward and beats the Filipino up. This is because of Pearl Harbor. But it was the Japanese. I’m Filipino. It doesn’t matter to me. Japanese, Filipino, Chinese. To me, it’s all the same thing. After a while, the Filipino attacks the American Jew, returning the blows twice as much. This is for the sinking of the Titanic. But the Titanic was a ship, and it was sunk by an iceberg. Iceberg, Goldenberg, Rosenberg. To me, it’s all the same thing. A guy goes to visit an old warship. In one of the compartments, he stumbles upon a bronze plaque on the floor, which reads: “Here fell Admiral Barroso.” He then says: “No wonder. I almost fell here too.” A guy’s car tire gets a flat in front of a mental hospital. The driver then gets out and removes the lug nuts, but they slip into a manhole. One of the madmen watches the scene from inside the asylum’s bars and advises the guy. He removes a lug nut from each of the three remaining wheels to hold the loose one in place and stops at a store to buy more bolts. Very good idea. Thanks. Look, I don’t even know why you ‘re in there. The madman says: “I’m here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.” You know, friend, the doctor told me to drink some lemon juice after a really hot bath. And did you drink the lemon juice? No way. I couldn’t even finish all that hot bath water. A couple goes to a soccer game and arrives super late because the woman took forever getting ready. When they enter the stadium, the second half was about to start. The husband then asks one of the fans, “How’s the game? 0-0.” Then the woman says, “See? We’re on time.” A guy goes to Rio de Janeiro for a trip. His friends warn him that bus and taxi drivers there tend to fly in their cars. Arriving in the marvelous city, he takes a taxi, gets in, and says to the driver, “Rua da Carioca, please, how high?” Look, if you go more than 2 meters, I’ll jump out of this car. A crazy man arrives at the asylum, all sweaty and tired, saying, “Look, I’m really tired. I was running after a bus and without ever catching it, I ended up here. I’m consoled because I ended up saving a lot of money.” Another crazy guy heard that and said, “But you’re really stupid. If you had just taken a taxi, you would have saved a lot more.” A guy comes home one afternoon and comes face to face with a penguin in his garden, having never seen one before. He’s all flustered and doesn’t know what to do. He asks a neighbor for help, who says, “Look, the best thing you can do is take it to the zoo.” The next day, the neighbor finds the guy walking the penguin down the street with a string tied around its neck. “Where are you going with this animal? Didn’t you take it to the zoo yesterday, like I told you?” I did, and it loved it. Today I plan to take it to the mall. A housewife says to another, “Finally, the price of rice has gone down a bit. Good grief, how many grams does it weigh now?” A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I can’t sleep anymore. If I lie down face up, I get a terrible headache. If I turn to one side, it attacks my kidneys. If I turn to the other side, I get a terrible pain in my arm. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do you advise? Why don’t you try sleeping on your stomach? Because my husband is the one attacking me. ” A guy goes to the doctor and says, “How have you been feeling with the baths I prescribed?” Very good, doctor. But my body feels a little sticky and sticky. Sticky and sticky? What do you mean? I think it’s because of the sugar. Sugar? Didn’t you tell me to take freshwater baths? A crazy man goes to a locksmith and says, “Would it be possible for you to open my car door? I left the keys inside. Yes, sir. Can you wait a little while until I finish these keys ? Yes, I will, but be brief, okay?” It looks like it’s going to rain, and my car doesn’t have a roof. Thirty years ago, a guy used to only go to that restaurant and suddenly starts going to the competitor across the street. The owner of the first restaurant finds this strange and approaches him on the street. What happened? You don’t like our food anymore? There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just following my dentist’s orders. Dentist? Exactly. When I went there and showed him my aching teeth, he told me to only eat at the other side. A guy goes to the movies for the first time and when he gets to the box office, he buys a ticket, waits a while, and then comes back for another. After about five minutes, he comes back and buys another. The ticket clerk then says, “Hey, man, why don’t you buy all the tickets at once? Don’t blame me, sir. There’s a guy at the door who tears it every time he takes my ticket.” While demolishing an old asylum, they found a mummy with its face turned toward one of the walls. They then called a team of technicians who removed the mummy from the site. The technicians were astonished and proud of the feat and noticed that it had a gold belt with the following inscription: Epitácio, 1917, world champion of hide-and-seek. Two men, Joaquim and Manuel, bought two donkeys of the same size, anyway, one’s face, the other’s snout. To stop trying to eliminate them, Joaquim turns to Manuel and says, “Manuel, you cut off a little piece of your donkey’s tail, so the two will have some difference.” They lived in a distant village, and there were some mischievous children there. To play a trick on the two, the children went to the corral at night and cut off the tail of Joaquim’s donkey to the same size. The next day, as soon as they saw what had happened, they cut off a piece of Manuel’s tail again. That night, the children went back to the corral and evened out the differences in the donkeys’ tails. And so it went, until there were no more donkey tails left to cut off. Manuel turns to Joaquim and says, “Now you’re screwed. Let’s do this. You keep the white donkey, and I’ll keep the black one. Okay.” A guy had gone to the city zoo for the first time and was amazed at the strange animals there. The sloth, for example, thought his paws were upturned . He was eating peanuts along the way when he passed the elephant’s enclosure. Curious, the man approached and commented, “Where do you think this animal’s head is?” The elephant approached , took the man’s bag of peanuts with his trunk, and stuffed it into his mouth. The man got furious and went to the zoo office, demanding that the animal be immediately removed from exhibit. He said, “It’s an insult, a terrible example for our children.” “Bad example?” the manager asked curiously. The man then said, “If that animal is not only a thief, but also a pervert. He stole my bag of peanuts with his tail, and I won’t even tell you where he put them.” Two geeks were diving in diving suits. The one who stayed in the boat monitoring the dive called the other over the communicator and said, “Dude, come up quick, the boat’s sinking.” Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger who hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A clueless father, after two years of insistence from his son, decides to give him the long-awaited and desired video game. Arriving home, it was all a party, but the father decides to warn his son. My son, be very careful with this video game, because daddy had to sell a lot of things to buy it, including the television. New news about the war. The army, now knowing where the war is, has just sent 10,000 soldiers, 5,000 for the Allies and another 5,000 against. It also sent 2,000 tanks. The washerwomen will be sent later, not counting the five planes loaded with sand to dig the trenches. [Laughter] When the president of a certain country visited England, a grand reception was prepared: royal guards, carriages—in short, the whole shebang. The Queen of England met him at the airport and, after the arrival reception, was going to take him by carriage to her palace. Two people boarded an open carriage, and as soon as the carriage began to move, the horse let out a fart, the kind of fart made by someone who’d eaten spoiled food—the kind that resembles fine wine, with its color, texture, bouquet, and so on. The Queen was disconcerted and embarrassed, but still said, “Mr. President, I’m sorry, I’m very embarrassed about this.” The president then said, “Well, Madam Queen, do these things happen?” “I’m glad you understand; that makes me feel more at ease.” The president diplomatically replied, “Imagine, madam! I even thought it was the horse.” A man was hired to paint a highway, and on the first day, he managed to paint the middle lane at a rate of 1 km every 30 minutes. Everyone was surprised and delighted with the guy’s speed. The next day, they measured his speed, and he ran 1 kilometer every 50 minutes. They thought he was just tired and asked him to rest the next day. The day he returned from his rest, he ran 1 kilometer every 1:30. The construction manager was astonished and asked what the problem was. Why do you get slower every day? Well, at the beginning of the painting, it was quite easy. But when the paint can started to get farther away, things got complicated. A guy felt pain everywhere he touched his finger. Concerned, he went to a doctor. After an hour of consultation, the doctor discovered his problem. The guy had a broken finger. Two crazy people were walking through downtown São Paulo when a bird took a dump on one of their heads. The crazy person immediately got down and said, “Hey, see if this shit on my head is shit.” It is shit, yes. OK, but it’s outside. A country boy and his wife went to the doctor. After analyzing the test results, the doctor prescribed a suppository for the woman. They left the office, got the medicine, and when they opened it, they found the pill strange. Not knowing how to take it, they decided to go back to the doctor. Doctor, how do you take this medicine? It must be introduced into the body over the years. Where? Over the years, where exactly? Put it in the round. Calm down, doctor. There’s no need to get nervous. Two little fleas were childhood friends who met after a long time. One of them looked very well, smelling nice, a sign of a good life. The other was in a very bad state, covered in dirt and showing signs of a very hard life. After hugs and much talk about the past, the first flea asked: “How have you been, friend? Why are you in such a miserable state? It’s because I live in a biker’s mustache and life there is very difficult. Just imagine that the guy smokes, snorts coke, doesn’t like to shower, and I’m always getting car exhaust in my face because he doesn’t even wear a helmet. But why don’t you move then? Do like me, who lives in the private parts of a very horny woman. She showers every day, uses tallow powder, perfume, and besides, the place is warm and comfortable. I can’t complain about the life I lead.” The second flea agreed to move, and soon after they said goodbye. After some time, they met again, and the second flea’s situation was exactly the same as the previous meeting. The first flea was doing well, and the other was suffering and miserable. The first flea then said: “Didn’t you promise to move out of the biker’s mustache?” “Yes, I did. I actually changed. I followed your advice and was living in a girl’s private parts. She was clean, hygienic, smelled good—in short, just like you told me. And I was fine. But one day, I don’t know what happened, and I went to sleep. When I woke up, can you believe I was back in the biker’s mustache? A blind man walked into a supermarket and crashed head-on into the hanging codfish. He thought he’d hit someone, apologized, turned around, and walked away. He then took a few steps, stopped, and walked back toward the codfish and said, “Wow, you’re so tall!” No. A guy arrived at the emergency room with his butt full of shards of glass. The doctor laid him on a stretcher face up and started removing the shards one by one. While he was removing them, he asked the guy how that had happened. You have no idea. I was having sex with my wife, and suddenly the bedroom chandelier fell right on my butt. But what bad luck if the chandelier didn’t fall right at that moment? Not bad luck at all. It was incredibly lucky. If it had fallen a minute earlier, it would have landed right on the back of my head. A guy traveling by train and unable to find an empty restroom, desperately runs to his friend. What do I do? I’m cramped, and the restrooms are all occupied. I can’t take it anymore, I just want to take a dump. The friend then says, “The train window is your salvation. Open one and do it right there.” So he runs to an empty car, sticks his ass out the window, and goes right there. Two old ladies watching the train pass by see it, and one says to the other, “Wow, look at the size of that guy’s cigar.” The other, even more indignant, replies: “The size of the xuto is nothing. What’s strange is the face he’s making. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that still hasn’t clicked like. Take advantage and activate the bell too. It doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just Hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. An old man had a glass eye and before he went to sleep, he used to put it in a glass of water next to his bed. He woke up very thirsty one night and, without realizing it, drank the water, swallowing the glass eye. The next morning, he went to a proctologist who, upon examining the old man’s eye, found the glass eye almost gone. The doctor was very surprised and said: “Look, in 40 years of my career, I’ve looked at many years, but this is the first time one of them has looked at me.” A guy was drinking in the corner of the bar, straight from the neck of a bottle. After about three hours of watching this scene, a guy at the bar had the opportunity to satisfy his curiosity about what the guy in the corner was drinking with such gusto. The guy left to go to the bathroom. He didn’t even blink and ran to the table, downing the bottle in one go, and taking a big gulp. He thinks the drink is awful and turns to the clerk, asking, “What the hell is this guy drinking?” The clerk then says, “He’s not drinking anything, is he? This guy has tuberculosis and uses this bottle to spit into.” A 10-year-old boy turns to his sister and says, “Did you know you’re hotter than Mommy?” The girl then says, “Yes, I did. Daddy already told me.” A man walks into the butcher shop and says, “1 kg of ground beef, please.” The butcher grinds the meat and says, “That’s 8.” The man then gives the butcher a dollar bill: “Excuse me, but I don’t have any change, as you just opened the butcher shop. It’s okay. I have to go to the pharmacy and I’ll come back and pay you.” He arrives at the pharmacy and says: “Do you have any Viagra?” Yes, I do. Would you like a box? Yes, I will. Here are your pills, sir. And look, they’re very good. Perfect. How much is a box? It’s dollars.” The man then pays with the same dollar bill and the pharmacist says: “Excuse me, but I don’t have any change, no. It’s okay. I have to go to the butcher shop and I’ll come back and pay you.” After a while, the butcher goes to the pharmacy after the man. Excuse me, but there wasn’t a man here saying he came from the butcher shop. There was. He told me he was going to the butcher shop and would come back and pay me. Wow! And what did he buy here? He bought some Viagra pills. This Viagra stuff is really good. They’re great. He hasn’t even had a drink yet and he’s already fucked us both. A farmer woke up early and went straight to the corral to milk his cow. He sat on a stool and started milking. The cow wasn’t in a very good mood and butted him in the face. The indignant farmer grabbed a lasso, tied the cow’s tail, and resumed milking. Seconds later, the cow kicked him. Then the farmer got really pissed and decided to tie all the cow’s legs together, moving the animal. Imagine the scene: A cow being milked completely tied up. Well, so far so good. The real problem arose when the farmer decided to stop to take a leak. He unzipped his pants, and it might even have seemed natural. The problem is that while he was holding Bilal, he was caught by his wife, who, upon seeing the cow all tied up, still can’t believe he was just going to pee. A country boy arrived by bus in São Paulo and left the bus station to catch a taxi. He then gets into the taxi and asks the driver to take him to a certain address. The driver then asks: “To get to this address, do you want me to take the minibus?” The country boy then says: “Well, if you can drive with one hand, sir, types of farts.” Naive, he farts without knowing it. Shy, he’s afraid to fart. Murderous, he stifles his fart. Shameless, he farts and blames others. Opportunistic, he uses other people’s farts to release his own. Unhappy, he farts and shits himself. Shameless. He farts and says: “What’s that smell?” Sadistic. He farts in class to watch others suffer. Methodical: he farts for a long time to divide them into several little farts. Distracted: he farts and still complains. Cheeky. He farts in front of others. Aristocrat, he farts very slowly so as not to make noise. Romantic, he farts and breathes heavily. Leader, he farts Stronger than everyone else. Dynamic, he farts constantly. Addict, he farts in his hand to smell it. Pig farts and breathes in every last whiff. Athlete, he farts and runs away. Dedicated, he farts softly and quietly. Proud, he farts and shakes his butt. Politician, he farts and promises to shit in the future. Comedian, he farts and laughs. Clumsy, he farts and shits at the same time. Sensitive. He farts and feels like he’s shitting. Hero farts when he has diarrhea. Unlucky, he wants to fart softly and it comes out loud. A flirt takes responsibility for the girls’ farts. Unjustly. Others fart and say he did it. He invented it. Eats different foods to smell new things. Didactic. Farts in the living room to break the silence. Selfish. Farts under the blanket to smell it alone. Childish: farts in water to make bubbles. The guy met the same woman every time and always said, “What’s up, honey? Is it going to be today?” And the woman said, “Dude, get out of here.” And it was the same every day. The guy was already devastated from insisting so much and couldn’t stop himself from wondering what it would be like if he saw that woman naked. He kept insisting, and nothing happened. Until one fine day, the woman turned to him and said, “Come over to my place tonight, okay?” The guy was bursting with joy and could barely contain himself. He went straight to the bar to celebrate and started drinking and eating vatapá. His dinner was mocotó with ice cream, accompanied by a cold beer, and on his way out, he ordered a very spicy dish. Then he went to the woman’s house and got straight to the point. But when it was time to see, he said, “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” And the guy stayed there for hours. When he came back and started again, he said, “I need to go to the bathroom again.” And so it went all night. The next day, he ran into the same woman walking down the street, greeted her, and walked away. A friend who was with the woman asked, “Tell me, friend, how was your date?” Nothing happened, friend. The guy hit on me for over six months just to come take a dump at my house. A king was going to give his daughter’s hand to whoever brought the biggest dowry in the kingdom. A prince brought a carriage full of bananas, and the king was furious. He ordered the prince to shove all the bananas up his ass. With each banana, the prince laughed out loud, and the king asked why he laughed so much. The prince replied, “It’s because there’s a prince out there who brought a carriage full of pineapples.” Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that hasn’t clicked like yet. Take advantage and activate the bell too; it doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not some cute robot. A man walks past the wall of the asylum and hears a voice on the other side shouting, “I’m rotten! I’m rotten! I’m completely rotten!” The man became very curious and climbed the wall to take a look. It was one of the lunatics who stuck his finger in the round hole and then smelled it. A man was starving and went into a restaurant to get something to eat. Upon entering, he called the waiter, who handed him the menu and asked, “Would you like something for an appetizer?” “Yes, I would. Please bring me some chicken soup.” A few minutes passed, and the waiter came back with the soup, but with a twist. To load the plate with the soup, the waiter stuck his thumb inside the plate. The man saw this and thought it was strange, but decided not to comment, since it was his first time in that restaurant and he didn’t really want to complain. After a while, the man finished his soup and asked the waiter for feijoada for lunch. A while later, the waiter came back with the feijoada. And guess what? He brings the feijoada with his thumb in the plate. The guy, seeing this, got pissed, but since he was very hungry, he decided not to complain and eat the feijoada himself. He really didn’t want to pick a fight with the waiter. After finishing the feijoada, the waiter asks if he wants any dessert, and he says no, but orders a coffee. And there comes the waiter with the coffee and, once again, with his thumb in the cup. The guy can’t help himself and says: “Geez, man, every time I ask you for something, you have to stick your thumb in the food.” Let me explain, sir. This finger I stuck in your food has an ingrown toenail, and my doctor told me to always keep it warm. If you want a warm place, why don’t you stick this finger in your ass? Yes, it was there, but I had to remove it because I had to see you. A foreigner visiting Brazil heard about this sock that couples made. He was curious because they said it was very good. Since he was alone and didn’t have a girlfriend, he found a call girl and took her to a motel. When they get there, he says: “I ‘d like to do the sock thing. I’m in!” The girl agreed and there they were, making the sock thing, when, by accident, the girl lets out a smelly fart right in the guy’s face. The guy thought it was strange and didn’t like it much, but he didn’t complain either. Suddenly, she lets out another fart in the guy’s face. Since everything was new, he didn’t stop. A few moments pass and there comes another fart right in the guy’s face. He gets pissed and yells: “Let’s stop here! I won’t be able to handle the other 66.” [Laughter] In a classroom, they explain what rhyme is, and the teacher asked for examples. Joãozinho gave the class an example of a rhyme. Giló rhymes with “butt.” But what’s that, Joãozinho? You’re going to be grounded until the end of class. When class ends, the teacher says: “Joãozinho, can you give us another example of a rhyme now?” Giló rhymes with “car,” but it doesn’t rhyme with “butt” because the teacher doesn’t want it to. In a serious plane crash between a plane and a helicopter, the only survivor was the helicopter pilot. The company investigating the accident wanted to know how the tragedy had occurred and asked the pilot, who explained: “Look, I was in the helicopter with a couple. It was a scenic tour of the city. Since I already knew the route well, I decided to take a look in the mirror at the couple sitting in the back seat of the helicopter. To my surprise, I saw that the girl had her hand on the boy’s instrument, making strange movements. Suddenly, she unzipped his zipper and pulled it out. She was still touching him when the guy suddenly shouted, “Look at the jet!” Then I lowered the helicopter and don’t remember anything else. A vampire was getting ready to pounce on a guy leaning over a trash can when he realized it was a friend of his, also a vampire. The startled friend says, “Hey, what’s that? You want to attack me?” “Sorry, buddy, I’m starving and I didn’t even realize it was you.” Yeah, things are bad. But tell me what you’re doing there leaning over that trash can. Look, buddy, things are so bad, so bad, that I’m here looking to see if I can find a used tampon to make some tea. Two friends are talking at the bar. Do you know how to have cowboy sex? No. What’s it like? Well, I put my wife on all fours, sniff her neck, and whisper in her ear. That perfume of yours is the same as my secretary’s. Wow, but what if? Well, then I hold on tight to try to stay on top of her for 10 seconds. A cute little white bunny was taking a dump in the forest when a huge bear comes along and says, “Bunny, you’re taking a dump there, and your fur is going to get all dirty. Don’t you mind?” No, bear, I don’t mind. So the bear takes a dump, picks up the bunny, and wipes his butt with it. Two Dobermans were in the vet’s waiting room when one asked the other, “Are you sick?” “I’m not here because I got all the bitches on my street pregnant and now my owner brought me here to get me spayed. Oh my! How awful! And you, why are you here? Well, I was walking past the washing machine and my owner was taking the wet clothes out of the machine. And then I couldn’t resist the temptation and jumped on her back. So you’re here to get spayed too? No, my owner brought me here to get my nails trimmed. A salesman arrived in the small town and asked the bar owner where there were women for him to have fun with. The bar owner then said: “Look, sir, here in the city there’s no such thing as call girls, but we have a guy who helps us out every now and then. All right, I’ll do it, but it’ll be just the three of us, okay? Not just the three of us. It has to be just the seven of us. Just the seven of us? Why seven? Because you need four more to hold the guy down. The teacher came into the classroom and asked the class: “Class, what’s the heaviest thing in the world?” Zezinho replied: “It’s a ship.” Mariazinha replied: “It’s a train.” And Joãozinho replied: “Without a doubt, it’s my dad’s Bilal.” The teacher asked: “What do you mean, Joãozinho?” Joãozinho then said: “Every night my mom grumbles: ‘Not even Christ can lift that thing.'” The principal entered the classroom with the new teacher and announced: “This is your new teacher. Show her a lot of respect, understand? Her name is Mrs. Vadilna. Did you remember her name? The class responded: “Yes, ma’am. You’re the one in the back who’s flying the little plane around the class. Was that Joãozinho? Me?” the boy asked. “It’s you . Tell me the new teacher’s name.” Joãozinho tries hard to remember, but doesn’t say anything. Be careful what you say. It has the letter L in the middle. Okay. I know. It’s Mrs. Bucleta. A thief was in the city center with a donkey shouting: “I’ll pay 5,000 to anyone who makes this donkey laugh.” Many people stopped and tried, but were unsuccessful. Until a short, thin, and silly-looking guy appeared. He approached the thief and said: “If you lend me this donkey so I can ride it to the corner, I promise it will come back laughing its head off.” The thief didn’t object and even laughed at the short guy. The short guy then took the donkey and rode to the corner. When he returned, the animal was laughing so hard it couldn’t even stand. The thief couldn’t believe his eyes, but he paid the short guy without hesitation. A few weeks later, the thief was back in the same place, shouting: “I’ll pay 1,000 to anyone who makes this donkey cry.” The donkey was still laughing that day. Then the short guy appeared again and made the same offer to the thief. “If you lend me this donkey so I can ride it to the corner, I promise it will come back crying louder than a newborn baby.” The thief told him that this time he wouldn’t be able to do it, and that if he did, he would pay double, that is, thousands. The short guy then took the donkey and went to the corner. When he returned, the animal was crying pitifully. The thief was open-mouthed at what had happened, grabbed the short guy’s arm, and said: “I’ll pay you, but you’ll have to tell me how you made him laugh the first time and now you’ve made him cry.” The short guy replied: “It was easy. The first time I took him to the corner, I told him I had a bigger dick than his, and he started laughing. And the second time, well, the second time I went over and showed him Bilau. Hey, you there? Yes, you with that wonderful finger that still hasn’t clicked like. Take advantage and activate the bell too; it doesn’t bite, it just vibrates. Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just a hi, okay? Just so we know you’re real and not a cute robot. Mommy, can I play with Grandpa? Be quiet, little boy, and play with your toys. But Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa. I already told you to be quiet and play with your toys. Come on, Mommy, let me play with Grandpa. Okay, little boy. You can go play with Grandpa, but then fix the bones, okay? At dinner, the little boy says, “Mommy, I don’t like Grandma.” Be quiet, boy, and eat, but I don’t like Grandma. Shut up and eat. I don’t like Grandma, that’s it. Okay, okay. Okay. Eat your potatoes. So, a husband comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy and says, “What are you two doing?” The woman turns to the guy and says, “See, didn’t I tell you he was stupid?” In a certain country, governed by a socialist regime, there was a strong incentive to have children. The country needed labor. So, a law was passed requiring couples to have a certain number of sons. The couple had up to five years after marriage to have a son. And if, after five years of marriage, they didn’t have at least one son, The government would send an agent to their home. One fine day, the following conversation took place between a husband and wife. “Honey, today is our fifth wedding anniversary, and unfortunately, we haven’t had a son. Will the government send someone, honey? I don’t know, honey. And if he comes, what will I do? Well, honey, I can’t do anything. And I even less so? Well, I’m going to leave, because I’m already late for work.” Right after the husband leaves, there’s a knock on the door. The woman opens the door and finds a man standing in front of her. It was a photographer who had gotten the wrong address. He says, “Good morning, I’m… I know. Is your husband home? No, he’s already gone to work. I assume he knows I’m coming here. Yes, he knows and agrees. Great. So let’s get started. But so quickly? I need to be brief, as I still have five couples to visit. Wow! And can you handle it? Yes, I can handle it. I really enjoy my work. It gives me a lot of pleasure, you know? So, how are we going to do it? My suggestion is one in the bedroom, two on the living room rug, two on the sofa, one in the hallway, two in the kitchen, and the last one in the bathroom. Wow, but that’s not much, ma’am. Not even the best in our profession can do it on the first try. Have you ever visited a house in this neighborhood? No, but I have some samples of my latest work with me. The photographer then shows the photos of children and says, “Look, aren’t they beautiful?” Wow, how beautiful these babies are. Did you take them yourself? Yes, you did. Look, this one was outside a supermarket. Wow, but doesn’t it seem a bit public? Yes, but my mother was a movie star and wanted publicity. I wouldn’t have the guts to do that. This one, look, was on top of a bus. How awful, sir. And look, it was the hardest job I’ve ever done, I imagine. Look, this one was done in an amusement park in the middle of winter. Jesus, how did you do it? It really wasn’t easy. As if that weren’t enough, it was snowing heavily and there was a crowd around us. Good thing I’m discreet and don’t want anyone to see us. Great. I prefer it that way too. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to set up the tripod. A tripod? But for what? Well, it’s necessary. My device, besides being heavy, is 1 m long once ready to go. The woman fainted.
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